“Why do you love me?”
This question has been asked to me in the beginning and end of every relationship I have been in. I always have a problem answering this question, not because I do not know the answer, but because I can never find the right words to answer the question. I consider myself a person who is not shy to speak or express my mind. I do not consider myself socially awkward and I try to make sure people have fun when in a group setting. Yet I tend to fuck up with questions like the one posted above. This is just one of those small things about me that I realize gets on the nerves of loved ones.
The main reason why I even started my blog in the beginning was to have an avenue to express myself about personal and abstract issues. This also goes with why I started writing. I wanted to use a creative avenue where I can express myself; using art to take away the awkwardness I feel in normal conversation. I felt like it has helped me express myself, but I need something else to make this process faster.
I have been known to be good on my feet with conversations and debates. I can talk about any issue presented to me or try to convince people with words. In high school, I realized it is not about how much knowledge you know on a subject, but rather, it’s about being able to use that information to prove a point (Which is why “Thank You For Smoking” is one of my favorite movies!). This realization has taken me into a life of organizing. Organizing not just on issues I care about, but organizing my friends to go to a bar, or organizing my co workers to go to a Happy Hour, organizing a football game with local contacts, organizing my roommates to play wii, drink more than they should, attempt things they probably shouldn’t, and the list goes on.
This sometimes gets in the way of having a sincere conversation where any small smirk makes people thinking I am plotting something, or that I have cruel intentions for my motives. It also gets difficult when someone I care about (my boo’s, immediate family, and best friends) assume I am fucking with them when I am really not. For those of you who have felt this way: Sorry.
I sometimes wish I can express myself through other means when I can’t find the right words, or better yet, have someone else do sound effects to my thoughts! I wish I had a group like Floetry to perform my thinking process every time I can’t find the words to people’s questions.
The next time someone asks me, “Do you think about me when I am not there?” this video is my answer:
Fantasizing about you,
-DM
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